I began writing this blog in my head about two years ago. I could probably pick out the exact date when it began if I wanted to split hairs and take the time to look at the calendar, but why get hung up on the little details....
Whenever someone accomplishes a milestone like graduation or new job or promotion, etc, people always offer congratulations and say things like "you can be whatever you wanna be." It's true, you can. But do they really mean it honestly? Don't they really mean, "Now that you graduated from high school, you can go to college." Or "Now that you graduated from college, you can get a fancy job." Or "now that you have a job, you can work your way up the ranks and get a promotion and be a big time boss and make lots of money." Or one of my faves, "Now that you're married, it's time to start having babies" (I reposted an article "Minding your own womb" https://nadirahangail.com/
When I decided to move to Tennessee and started telling people, 99% of the time, the first thing I was asked was "What are you going to do?" meaning where was I going to work. Now I know everybody meant well. I am sure none of the people who asked this question were being mean or condescending, but it started to become annoying. I didn't have a job lined up and people were flabbergasted I was leaving my well established job in Charlotte at the Bank of America corporate office (where I had been promoted a few times, was well respected, made good money, and was damn good at, might I add) to move to a town outside of Nashville, TN just to be with a boy. But this boy wasn't just any boy. He was THE boy. He IS the boy. Most people just couldn't understand and a lot of negative or condescending comments were made either directly to me or to my mother. Oh my sweet Momma. Always has my back and looking out for me in her own ways despite our differences (another blog for another day). Most of the time, I answered the question the way they expected me to, by talking about where I had applied or where I was thinking about applying for a job. On a few occasions, I would answer honestly, "I'm going to take some time off, not stress over finding a gig right away, and focus on building a life with my future husband." The response: Big gasping inhale of breath 
.
Why does what we do for work have to define us? Why does our job title have to be one of the first things people find out about us? Why do we focus on what we do instead of who we are? Sure we spend a good majority of our lives working and we need money to live obviously, but our job doesn't have to be the only thing we are.
Since I've lived in TN, closing in on two years, I've been a gymnastics coach, a server, a zip line guide, have gotten certified as a team building/high ropes course facilitator (& have facilitated quite a few times now!) and recently decided to pursue an exciting new opportunity (& then just as quickly decided not to pursue it). All this, not to mention helping Chris with his landscaping business occasionally and acting as 'CFO/accountant/secretary' for P&G Properties (his handyman business). That actually sounds pretty cool typing all that out. To most though, that doesn't sound as cool or responsible or fancy as a debt trading operations manager. Maybe my resume has changed. Maybe I don't make a ton of money. Maybe according to society I'm a lazy quitter or a job hopper. Maybe I'm
not using my degree fully. Maybe I don't care. Maybe I'm content. Maybe I get to spend more time the way I want to spend it. Maybe I enjoy making breakfast for that boy who is now my husband every morning, fixing his lunch before he goes to work and having sexy time with him at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, when the stars align. Maybe this stage is just as important as any other career-focused stage in my life.
When I got the gig as a gymnastics coach, which was a DREAM job from my perspective (what little girl who's ever taken a gymnastics class doesn't want to grow up and work in a gym with a balance beam, uneven bars, and a trampoline?), a comment was made to me "That sounds like something fun to do until you get a real job." A real job??? Really? I suppose that was probably the tipping point for me in my realization of the pursuit to defy society's expectations of me.
I'll admit, the pressures of society are a pain in the ass and they get to me a lot sometimes. I looked for "real" jobs for a while right after the move because that's what I was supposed to do, right? I snagged two official real jobs (like actual job offers and all), but turned them down for one reason or another. The drive was too long. The hours too long. The contract was too long. Basically it came down to my time. No amount of money can out value my time. My time that gets to be spent doing what I actually wanted to do, which was cultivate a relationship with my boy. For me that was most important immediately after the move. I didn't quit the corporate world to save the planet or to make some big statement. I didn't quit just to turn around and jump right back in and get gobbled up by it. I quit because I want to live a happy life, not tied to a desk with some asshole in NY yelling at me and answering 1000 emails day after day (for example 
). I quit so I could focus on what was most important to me. Right then.
Those societal norms still get to me sometimes because my new friends and acquaintances and peers don't know the old me. They don't know how cool and important I was. They don't know I had a fancy job where I got to play with millions of dollars and make big decisions that might affect those millions of dollars and manage (& be responsible for) other people while they played with millions of dollars. They don't know the hard ass that used to get reprimanded for being too brash. They don't know the person who voluntarily worked on Saturdays and Sundays after putting in well over 40 hours during the week just to "get ahead" or the girl that checked work email at the gym between sets when the gym goers around her thought she was on Facebook or Instagram. Or the person who's manager had to write "needs to focus more on work/life balance" into her performance plan. They don't know that side of me (if you're reading this, now you do I guess), but hopefully they have gotten to know the real me, the one who isn't labeled by a job title or fancy resume. Despite that, I still let it get to me sometimes.
I'm done letting the opinions of others about me & my resume affect my decisions though. I'm done spending my time and energy trying to please society. I'm done doing what somebody else thinks I should do. My time and energy will be focused on doing what I want to do with my life, including my work life. So what if my work/life balance doesn't seem to mesh up with what YOU think it should look like? When you start paying my bills, you get to decide where I work. Thank you very much.
Speaking of bills and money.... One of the assumptions that I just LOVE is that people assume (because I'm not working full time or because I don't have a "real" job) that I'm free loading off of Chris. Number 1: why is it anybody's business how our finances are handled?? Number 2: please see the paragraph above where I mentioned the fancy job I used to have. Do you think I'm a complete idiot who worked her ass off for years and then quit her 'real' job with nothing to show for it?? Bitch, please. 
Speaking of quitting.... Recently, I was in a group setting where we were asked to tell a little bit about ourselves during the get to know each other portion of the day. People always mention what they do for work when asked this question. For example, my name is Annie and I work in fill-in-the-blank at such-n-such firm. Then that's it. That is not where the period should be in that statement. Perhaps a comma, but what we do for work is not all that we are. One lady, who happened to respond right before me, answered by saying she had just recently "quit life" in order to pursue other aspirations. She meant she had quit her high paying "real" job to become a cycling instructor I found out later. While I can relate to what she meant, I was taken aback that she actually used the terms "quit life!" You didn't quit life, lady! Maybe you quit a job or quit an old habit or quit something you hated, but I'm guessing you "quit" that awful job to make your quality of life better! I haven't quit life. If anything, I have actually started living my life a little bit more fully & intentionally, not allowing something like a job define who I am.
As a gymnastics coach, I learned how important the tiniest accomplishment can be to a child's self esteem. How encouragement, especially at a young age, is so important and can make all the difference. I also learned I'm old & too beat up to cut flips and my back isn't up for spotting on the uneven bars anymore.
As a server, I've re-learned the old saying, "You can't judge a book by its cover." Judgment is the devil and as much as I don't want to be judged by someone else for being one of the oldest servers in the restaurant (among other things), I'm learning over and over again I can't judge anybody else either. I've also learned I can't be held accountable when an unlimited amount of breadsticks are at my disposal.
As a zip line guide, I've learned people in general are scaredy cats, but with just a small amount of encouragement, they can overcome their fears. Even the macho-est of men, turn into little babies when a little fear creeps in. People in general are also looking to break free from their own self-imposed limitations. It's fun for me to encourage them to do that. Whether they actually do or not, is up to them. I've also learned a thing or two about seed ticks.
And as a facilitator, I've learned the value of observation, being quiet, and allowing others to come to realizations about themselves; and being okay with it, okay with myself and okay my own value, when they don't. The being quiet part is really really REALLY hard. 
No matter what I do for work, what position I have or how my resume looks, I'll keep being me and I'll keep learning and growing into the best version of me possible. I didn't know how long that stage of my life would last. I figured one day, I would decide I wanted to get back into the corporate world or change it up completely. But I knew when that time came, it would be because it's what I wanted, what's right for me and my husband, and certainly not because it's what somebody else expected.
Moving away from "home" was extremely difficult for me. This is the part that I've glossed over and ignored most of the time when talking about moving. People quit their jobs & move all the time; no big deal, right? Not me. I grew up extremely & abnormally close to my immediate AND extended family. We had Sunday dinner together every week and my cousins were my first friends and still to this day, some of my closest confidants. I miss my Momma so so bad sometimes it makes me cry typing this part. Anyway.... moving was really hard.
It's not something I just did willy nilly on a whim and it wasn't easy. You might see the result of my decision, but you don't see what all went into making the decision to move or the feelings associated with it. Not all of them were happy happy joy joy. There has been a lot of sadness mixed in too. I miss things. I miss graduations, weddings, birthday parties, seeing my brother's face after he proposed, watching my grandfather get older. My cousins' & friends' kids growing up. I miss people, friends, family, coworkers and of course especially my Momma. Meeting so many new people through my various part time jobs, has been a huge blessing to fill a void. Also having the freedom of not having a full time job has helped me get through this transition and helped me really believe that a job or a person or a place doesn't define me.
One of the other things I've learned is that I'm still just Annie no matter what where or how, I'm still just me. Nothing more. Nothing less. And that will always be enough.
I don't say any of this to toot my own horn or to tell everybody how much happier they would be if they would just quit their jobs. I say this to remind you that you have control over your own life. You have the power to be exactly who and what you want to be. You don't have to follow anybody else's path. You control your own destiny dammit! You don't like the situation you're in? Do something about it! Set a goal, make a plan to reach that goal, and follow the steps to work that plan. Stop complaining about it and change it. Stop talking about it and do it.
About four months ago, we decided it was time. So I started back on the hunt and here we go! On to the next stage and back into the "real" world I go!
Stay tuned...
About four months ago, we decided it was time. So I started back on the hunt and here we go! On to the next stage and back into the "real" world I go!
Stay tuned...
Okay so maybe I really started writing this in my head on May 17, 1979, but that's just splitting hairs.
#livinglovinglifting
#livinglovinglifting
I love you my friend! This was well written and speaks to the strong woman you are so we'll!
ReplyDelete